The Very Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy III
by Celabrielle
Summary: The very secret diary of Draco Malfoy the Third. A parody of Cassandra Claire's VSDs. WARNING: Humor and nonsense ahead. As well, I know it's nowhere near as good as the original VSDs, but it's a parody, people!


The Very Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy III  
  
Day 1:  
  
Got back to Hogwarts last night.  
  
I am starting to find Potter strangely attractive. Not good, as Weasel will kill me if I try anything.  
  
This morning I was looking at my glorious face in mirror. Found a speck upon left nostril, precisely three point four millimeters from tip of nose. Had panic attack. Was calmed by Blaise, and preformed killing curse on speck. It died.  
  
In other news, I am most certainly the prettiest in Slytherin this year. In fact, the prettiest in all Hogwarts.  
  
Day 2:  
  
Today was dreadful. Positively dreadful. Woke up with pain in my 507,893rd strand of luxurious platinum blond super duper not bleached hair. Was v. painful. Then, my favorite designer brand silk super duper expensive white shirt had a humongous speck (approximately 1 millimeter in diameter!) on the hem, and therefore I had to burn it. Spent precisely seven minutes mourning before going down to breakfast.  
  
Went to freaky room later. Saw Chang snogging Potter. Was v. upset. I mean, the girl was crying. Was he trying to comfort her? Grr. If I cried over my dead boyfriend, would Potter snog me? No. Chang definitely not prettier than me! What does a guy have to do to get some action around here? Oh, well. Off to prance around snootily in front of Potter and cast scathing remarks at his friends.  
  
Still the prettiest. Of course.  
  
Day 4:  
  
Love Chang! Potter made her cry in that atrocious coffee house today... she ran away, now my dearest is sad... hmmm... possibilities.  
  
Obviously still the prettiest.  
  
Day 9:  
  
Well, today was positively awful. Father killed approximately 17 muggleborns, and got caught for it. He threatened the fat man with the green hat and all charges were dropped. But, of course, I got howler for being disappointing, just because he's angry. Bah.  
  
In other news, went outside and practiced Quidditch. Fell off broom. Fortunately, a very realistic furry lawn ornament broke my fall. Funny, I don't remember that being there... bah.  
  
Still the prettiest.  
  
Day 26:  
  
Taunted Weasel today. Potter got mad. Stupid Weasly. "Draco, stop trying to curse Rooon" "Malfoy, give the book back to Rooooon..." Bah. Stupid Weasel. What's so great about the poverty-stricken gangly toerag anyway? Why won't he like me? ME, DAMMIT!  
  
Still the prettiest.  
  
Day 28:  
  
Doom. Doom has arrived. Doom. I like that word... but then, maybe that's because mumsie said that I looked like doom. But then, perhaps that was because I was covered in mud and had boils marring my perfect flesh... and resembled a large purple slug. Not the point though.  
  
Anyways. Doom. Yes, Doom. V. Doomy. Doomy... that sounds horrifically silly. Bugger. Well... Doom. Yes. I feel doomish. Hmm... that sounds better. Yes, doomish. V. doomish. Why, you ask? I have run out of my silky hair super duper expensive shamppo. I HAVE RUN OUT OF SHAMPOO!!! My life is OVER!!! My hair will not gleam with moonlight radiance from all the way across the room, will not shine with the glory of ten thousand unicorns... and most of all, I WILL LOOK LIKE A BLONDE SNAPE!!!!! I must not become a greaseball! My hair must shimmer like the silver of Gringotts! If my hair is not gorgeous, I cannot take over the universe! No!!! As I said, doom is now. Doom is very now. Blast.  
  
Still the prettiest, despite lack of Shampoo.  
  
Day 30:  
  
Shampoo has arrived! I am saved!  
  
Still the prettiest, especially with shampoo back.  
  
Day 47:  
  
Hairbrush broken. Conditioner spilled. Shampoo discontinued. Cannot cope. Off to Greenland School of Wizardlyness and Spell-type wand waving.  
  
Still the prettiest, despite tangly and dull hair.  
  
Day 53:  
  
Hate Greenland. Not at all green. Very blue and icy. Not at all good for compexion. Cannot cope. Off to Malfoy Manor.  
  
Still the prettiest.  
  
Day 1,276,237,845, 083:  
  
Yay! Father has died, and has left all of his hair products to me! Heeheheheeheheh! I will now TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! Go me!  
  
The prettiest forever more!  
  
Day 237,345,704,570,423,783,656,465,876:  
  
Plan backfired. Shampoo caused hair to fall out, and although my scalp is gorgeous and shiny, I can no longer cope. Goodbye, cruel anti-Draco world! Farewell, my beloved Potter! Alas, I never got to snog you! And now... I must DIE!  
  
Day 237,345,704,570,423,783,656,465,877:  
  
Dead. Potter Apparated to house and snogged me. Weasel did, indeed, kill me. Well, at least I'm the prettiest ghost. Must go prance around in front of really hot dead guy by the name of Jack Sparrow... all of a sudden, I really like the idea of sailing, but I can't figure out why.  
  
The prettiest dead guy ever imagined. 


End file.
